Cleistocactus Tupizensis (XL) Petra

Petra’s survival guide

While Petra is quite the looker, her best quality isn’t her shockingly sharp prickles or her vivaciously vibrant blossoms. It’s her brilliant brain. Petra is the Sherlock Holmes of cacti. Nay, the whole plant world. Shrewd, discerning, and eagle-eyed, Petra can spot a criminal from a mile away. She knew someone was a danger to society because she heard him pronounce “GIF” with a soft “G” (and because she saw his face on the news, or something). So, you’d better not have any deep, dark secrets, and you certainly better not have committed any shoddy murders, because Petra will catch you out with a single glance. Then she’ll point her red, fingerlike blossoms your way and the whole world will know you’re a fraud. This is how she’ll blackmail you into feeding her that super expensive, organic fertilizer you’ve been seeing in those online ads. Horrifying, no?

What makes Petra so special

Opposites attract, so place Petra somewhere bright and warm. If you live in a hot climate give her a little shade in the afternoons so she doesn’t dry out. Let the top layer of her soil dry between waterings, and water her less than once in a month in the cooler months. Get her a sidekick to listen to all of her genius thoughts and be careful not to get yourself into one of those, “That’s not a tape recorder, it’s a teddy bear you absolute buffoon,” situations, because those are her forte.